“Alright,” said the genie. “I believe you are familiar with the rules. Three wishes, but no manipulation of free will or death in any way. Got it?”
“I understand.” Said Charles Pimberlay, a portly middle aged lawyer. He was successful financially. And single – he said that this was by choice, which was a lie.
His office was a corner, with two glass walls overlooking the New York skyline. A mahogany desk, made to look as expensive as it was, stood facing two maroon couches of a modern, sleek look that, along with a matching carpet, gave the office an ergonomic and unique atmosphere, though some had remarked that the red colors and glass walls gave them the impression that they were in a great beast’s gaping mouth.
Pimberlay liked it that way. He wanted his office to serve as a sign that the man who occupied it was both intellectual and successful. Pimberlay’s armchair was his seat of power – as he faced his clients, he wanted them to believe they were in the hands of someone capable and meticulous. And when he faced opposition, he always wanted to appear in control. The genie, casually lounging on one of the couches, was an opponent. A riddle to crack, an opportunity to seize, and Pimberlay wasted no time:
“I wish for an unlimited amount of available wishes.”
“No,” sighed the genie, “you can’t wish for that either, it’s another rule.”
“You should have mentioned that when reciting the other rules then.” Scolded Pimberlay in a condescending tone. As a lawyer, he was used to dealing with fine print and finding loopholes where he could. He did not know what this genie’s game was, but he was going to get the better of it.
“Then I wish for an unlimited amount of available genie lamps.”
“No, I can’t do that either.”
“Then I wish you could.”
“No!” hissed the genie. “I will not do that. I can’t grant any wish that alters the rules or my own abilities. Stop fucking trying.”
Pimberlay raised an eyebrow. So the genie swore now? Well, that was the easiest option out of the way. Worth a shot. But if he was going to make other wishes, he needed to make sure the genie was not going to screw him over.
“Are you inherently benevolent, or are you going to twist my wishes in some way?”
The genie immediately adopted a poker face. “Uh. . .no.”
“Right, as if.” scoffed Pimberlay. “I’m not a fool. I wish for you to be perfectly honest with me, answering every question fully and completely with the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, without deceiving me through what you say or omit, nor setting me up to be deceived in the future.”
“Wow, you really know how to drag on a sentence. Your wish is my command…” The genie rolls its eyes and a puff of pink smoke fills the room before disappearing quickly.
“Aright,” goes Pimberlay, “Now answer me, were you going to intentionally misinterpret my wishes?”
“…Yes, you caught me”.
“Ha!” Pimberlay felt good about himself. He needed to be careful. Even a single good wish could set him up for life, so he would rather play it safe. He thought to himself, I will ask a few hypotheticals, and if it is too dangerous to make a wish I will use the second to make myself even safer.
“Genie, what would you do if I wished to be the richest man in the world?”
“Oh, that’s easy, I make every person richer than you lose all their money.”
“Hmm, I suspected as much.” Pimberlay stroked his chin in thought. “What about if I asked for you to increase my net worth, without altering anyone else’s, so that I become the richest man in the world?”
The genie considered this for a moment. “I will materialize all the official documents necessary to make you the legal owner of one of the moons of Jupiter, which would place the value of all your properties above anyone else ever alive. Or something equally useless.”
“What if I wished instead for the money in my bank account to increase by a billion United States dollars?”
“You really are obsessed with money… I would simply change all the computers and make them display a billion dollars in your account.” The genie said with a grin on its face. It was starting to find this fun.
Pimberlay knew better than to believe this was a good deal. The bank, not to mention the IRS, would freak out. In fact, probably however he wished for something like this, the genie would think of a way to make sure it backfired.
“What if I wished for nobody to notice the effect of my wishes or take action against me?”
“No can do, that would be messing with free will. There is no getting around people noticing the effects of your wishes, and perhaps questioning them.”
Drat! That really put a wrench in Pimberlay’s plans. What good was any world-changing wish, especially one that set him up for life, if people were immediately going to notice and freak out? It would all be undone.
Now that he thought about it, no matter how carefully he worded his wish, the genie would always find some detail to add that would screw him over. Even the law, supposedly so carefully designed, had many loopholes which he himself exploited. The biggest problem would of course be the people, who would be outraged if anything miraculous happened to him all of a sudden. Becoming a billionaire or gaining superpowers by magic would cause public revolt. And anyway, as greedy as Pimberlay was, he did not want to owe all of his accomplishments and his superb lifestyle entirely to the genie. What he really wanted was to continue earning his living himself, and taking pride in his own victories. To that end, what was the best wish?
“What if I wished to be immortal?” Pimberlay turned to the genie.
The genie raised an eyebrow. “Well, I’d make you immortal. You’d be the last thing in an empty universe, unable to die. I think you knew as much though.”
“Right.” Said Pimberlay. He was beginning to get frustrated. This was more tedious than he previously thought. “What if I wished to be eternally young? No, hell, that would be the same thing. How about if I wished to die along with the last other intelligent being in the universe?”
The genie seemed to have predicted this question. “Simple, I transport you forward in time to whenever that happens, and you die in the vacuum of space.”
Pimberlay’s face was turning red with anger. The genie was smiling ear to magical ear.
“And if I wished to be able to be conscious continuously between now and then?”
“Then I simply accelerate you to just below the speed of light, and due to relativity you would experience all the time in the universe in mere moments!”
Pimberlay damn near punched the genie. Oh how easy it is to be so smug, with its magical powers. Enticing with the promise of unlimited power yet hovering just out of reach, its devious loopholes preventing anyone from making a decent wish.
“And what about you, Genie?” Pimberlay growled. “Can you die? What if I wished for you to perish? Or better yet, what if I said that unless you grant my next wish in a way which pleases me I will wish for you to die with my third?”
The genie stopped smiling when it heard the threat. “I can only die when there are no more living creatures capable of making a wish. Even if you wished me dead, I can’t destroy myself. And anyway, even if you could, I can always make sure I screw up your second wish so bad that you are unable to make a third wish! Haha!”
Pimberlay was fuming. Not even threats worked against this thing? He had no choice, he had to use his second wish to prevent the genie from using loopholes, then make sure he worded a wish for eternal youth carefully enough so he was fully content with the results.
“What would you do if I wished for you to grant my wishes in a way that will not cause me any harm, or as a direct consequence of the wish, place me in a situation where I would be harmed?”
The genie paused, as if thinking. “Well, I would grant the wish and whatever your third wish is, I won’t grant it in a way that will harm you at all.”
Spectacular! Thought Pimberlay. Finally, after all the bickering, the genie could not cause a wish to backfire. He was so relieved he nearly started dancing.
With a relieved sigh, he said, “Very well, I wish for you to grant my wishes in a way that will not harm me or place me in a situation where I would be harmed.”
Another ‘Your wish is my command’ and a pink cloud followed.
“Now, genie!” Permberlay rubbed his hands together. “I wish for you to make me live for as long as there is intelligent life in the universe, without aging or otherwise deteriorating over time, nor be put unwillingly into a situation where time would pass more rapidly for me. Understand?”
The genie was far from happy that it had to grant this wish without any of the many horrifying loopholes it could think of, for it could not harm Pimberlay. But it was far from giving up on screwing him over, too. As it realized something, a devilish grin slithered across its face. In his excitement at having made a successful second wish, Pimberlay had forgotten to ask the genie how it would grant his third wish. How to do it so that it did not ‘harm’ the lawyer? He hadn't said being ‘displeased’ was the same as being ‘harmed’…
“Your wish,” the genie raised its hands in triumph, “is my command!”
A pink cloud enveloped the room once more. But when it cleared, Pimberlay found himself not in his office sporting his brand-new immortality, but rather confined in a small space, too tiny for his body to logically fit in it. It was so small he doubted his fist could fit, yet somehow all of him was inside.
Suddenly there was light and Pimberlay found himself in an office entirely different from his own, facing a bookish businessman who looked thirty-ish. What the hell was this? Thought Pimberlay. Who is this man?
He was holding a shiny golden object – Pimberlay recognised it immediately, for he had found one identical to it himself. It was a genie lamp.
At that moment Pimberlay understood what had happened. Immortality, uninterrupted flow of time, and to live as long as there was intelligent life in the universe? Had the genie not itself mentioned that a genie will live as long as there is somebody to make wishes?
Pimberlay ground his teeth before roaring with anger, causing the businessman to jump. How could he be so stupid? He was not technically harmed in any way because of this, in fact it was impossible for him to be harmed now! He turned his eyes to the businessman. Out of sheer pettiness, he was going to make sure he made this man’s life a living hell. What else was there to do with all his time, and all his anger?
“Alright.” Growled Pimberlay. “I believe you are familiar with the rules…”